Finding: Moles are cute but also strange

I'm not sure why I keep poking around this eco-gardening site, seeing as my backyard is a concrete hole covered in dog doo. But it must have to do with either their great products (see: deer fly head trap) or their pictures. Look at this poor thing. Smashed betwixt thumb and forefinger, this mole was probably moments before just digging around for something to eat. Is it his fault for having been born with huge, wide hands perfect for tunneling? Maybe he hates his job, but those are the cards he was dealt! I can totally relate to that. Totally. Also? He's kind of cute in a way but also kind of creepstervich, no?

Mole-Relief™ Dry Mole Repellent

Finding: The Queen is as satisfying as a stale crumpet

Ever wish you could be a fly on the wall at Tony Blair's breakfast table? Just dying to know what the Queen and her mother might talk about on a stroll through their garden? Your dreams have come true.

The critics would have you believe that this painfully predictable piece of rubbish is "witty" (it is not), "poignant" (what movie isn't, according to them?), and i'm sure at least one has called it a "tour de force." They are wrong. See the movie and you will begin to wonder just whom Tony Blair had to sleep with to get this poorly disguised propaganda film produced. It is as interesting as watching your grandmother working on a needlepoint portrait of a cucumber sandwich.

Finding: I want nothing to do with this.

Let it be known that I want nothing to do with having a flystrip on the back of my head that attracts deer flies. You couldn't stick it on your back, or a special stick or something? You want huge dying flies on your head? F that.

Deer Fly Defense Patch

Holiday Gift Guide: For the Post-Op Pet

I was telling, well, shouting to someone about this at a noisy bar last night, and even I couldn't believe the words coming out of my mouth.

"TESTICULAR IMPLANTS FOR PETS."

"WHAT?"

"TESTICULAR IMPLANTS. FOR PETS THAT HAVE BEEN NEUTERED."

Prices range from $79 for Neuticles Original($94 a pair, naturally) to $719 for Neuticles Ultraplus with ScarRetard. I would also like to point out that three firmness selections are available. Wouldn't you like one, just to play with on your desk while you're working? I think it would feel nice.

Neuticles. Testicular Implantation for Pets. "Neuticles allowing [sic] your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem and aids in the trauma associated with neutering." Ahem.

Finding: Dicktard is the new twatwaffle

The other week I though maybe twatwaffle would be the new douchebag. But then I reconsidered it, thinking, twatwaffle is pretty good, but douchebag? Douchebag is like the bitch mother of insults somehow. Douche. Bag. Reserved for the truly contemptuous. Point out a douchebag to someone and they KNOW. That's a fucking bag of douche, no question about it.

Today I came across this article in the Onion, which immediately interests me because it's about holiday shopping, which if nothing else seems to me like a critical mass of total douchebags. And I'm all about douchebags. All of a sudden, bam pow! DICKTARD. It's no douchebag -- yet. But I have high hopes for it.

Holiday Advertisers Seek Coveted Dicktard Demographic

Holiday Gift Guide: For the Collector

Bag of Lint, culled by artisans from an authentic "Speed Queen" for over 8 months. Soft and supple, Bag of Lint makes a perfect gift for the collector, looking just fantastic alongside stacks and stacks of newspaper. You will never find lint so fine at a price so reasonable.*

Bag Of Lint, $12.75 (or barter)

*Garbage can not included. Bag of Lint not guaranteed to reverse aging. Bag of Lint is not fuel or food.

Holiday Gift Guide: For Your Large Friends

Perfect Bodies Duvet

Now your fat—sorry—large friends can really have perfect bodies in their dreams! Like, in their dreams, but also really. So, like, while they’re dreaming, they really will have the “perfect” bodies they dream about. So it’s like in their dreams? But real? At the same time? Whoa.

Perfect Bodies Duvet, $32.95

Holiday Gift Guide: For the Sasquatch

Introducing the Mangroomer, which claims to "opens to a staggering 135-degrees so you can reach all areas of your back from different angles with ease." Guys, I think you know what all this flexibility really means. No more embarrassing trips to the salon for your bi-monthly Boyzilian.

MANGROOMER Do-it-yourself Electric Back Hair Shaver, $39.99 at Amazon.

Holiday Gift Guide: For the Skank

Cold Sore Inhibitor

What’s great about this gift is that it’s a gift to both you and your skanky friend. He or she can nip those nasty cold sores in the bud (saving themselves the embarrassment and pain of social revulsion), and you don’t have to keep trying to pretend that you don’t notice anything icky in the general mouth area as they regale you with stories of their skankdom. It’s what you would call a “win-win” gift.

Cold Sore Inhibitor, $129.95-$159.95

Holiday Gift Guide: For the Homebody

Ladies, we know you like to fight off that winter chill in style. We also know you hate leaving the comforts of home just to go to stupid holiday parties. So this year, have it all with the Pantalaine Couch Dress. A true multitasker that's hard to ignore!

Custom Couch Dress, $349 at Pantalaine

Findings Holiday Gift Guide: For the Pet Lovers

For the Cat Lover: Hidden Litter Box

We’d have to agree with the makers of this ingenious contraption when they call it “The Greatest Gift.” What cat lover wouldn’t cherish the “Tuscany handfinish” or the charming look of a plastic plant in their home? Plus, nothing adds that homey feeling to a family room like the smell of cat shit. What a find!

Hidden Litter Box, $129.95




For the Dog Lover: Pet Memorial

Granted, the recipient of this thoughtful gift might cry upon opening it, but here’s what to do: Just gently pat them on the back and say, “It’s ok. You’ll thank me for it soon enough.”

Pet Memorial, $39-$55

Findings Holiday Gift Guide 2006

Red Starbucks cups. Visions of shiny red-and-green packaging lining the Walgreen’s candy aisle. Gift baskets filled with shrink-wrapped sausages and $40 pears crowding the office kitchen counters. Oh yes, the holidays have pounced upon us once again. And that means it’s time to break out the plastic and spend, spend, spend! Buy until you can buy no more! Literally! Go for broke! But what to get for everyone??? Well, we wouldn’t be Finders if we couldn’t find the perfect holiday gifts. So that is exactly what we have done. Over the next few weeks we will present you with the ultimate gifts for the holiday season for everyone on your list—and more!

We hope you enjoy buying these items as much as we enjoyed finding them. Happy holidays.

Finding: Some people do not belong on this planet

When you look at this picture you are struck with a natural question: Is her hair standing on end like this because the photographer caught it in movement, at just the moment when it looked like a kooshball-like sea creature, or is this hair A-bomb the handiwork of her hairdresser and her 'do was just like this even when she was standing very still? (Let's not even consider the possibility of it being a wig. Because that is just so not funny.)

(By the way, this is Phyllis Diller, some sort of "comedian" who started out her last show with "You know you're old when they discontinue your blood type...and your birth certificate is on a scroll...and your walker has an airbag." Hahahaha. Oh God, hahaha, walker with an airbag...hahhaha. Oh that is just priceless. PRICELESS.)

Finding: Monkeys for Helping

Wtf? Nobody told me about this site with all the funny-ass pictures and videos? What do I like better, the magical hat-wearing frog with the most perfect fucking comment, or the Head-On spoof with the Silence of the Lambs reference? Fuck!

Monkeys for Helping

Finding: Backwards riding chair encourages abnormal behavior

If you ever have a kid, you want it to grow up special and unique, like a snowflake. There is no better way to accomplish this than by buying this chair. The first step is learning how to sit in an unconventional way. This opens up all kinds of possibilities of things to do while straddling cheap upholstery, from (apparently) playing video games backwards, to praying to the Lord as part of a kool-aid cult that worships Hasselhoff as Our Savior. The next thing you know you're kid's a little "light in the loafers", as they say, and your corporeal work on this earth is done.

Lana Sky BC9 Accent Chair $129.99 at Target

Finding: Bear Grylls is no Les Stroud

I can't help but compare TV shows when so many are biting off eachother. Man vs. Wild is the new survival show starring Bear Grylls. First of all? What kind of stupid name is that. That's like naming your child Wolfenstein 3d. A quick look at his bio reveals he has a son named Marmaduke. I am not making this up. Not only is his name pretentiously EXTREME, everything about him is too. Case in point: this video of him peeing on his shirt and then wrapping it around his head. You know he thinks he is totally sexy even with a smelly, urine-soaked rag on his head. You know it!

Now let's look at Les Stroud of Survivorman. Unlike Bear Grillz, he is a human being. Instead of army-crawling through rainforests and wrestling boars or whatever, he has different priorities such as water and shelter. Also unlike Bear Grrls, Les does not have a camera crew with him, therefore he could actually be in danger. And even though he has to survive for a week armed with just a leatherman and a harmonica, he still takes the time to set up the camera, walk down a long hill, then walk back up the hill to get the camera. Why? Because Les cares about you and wants to you learn! Meanwhile, Bear Grylls' show isn't about survival. It's about being super manly, and I can't think of anything less manly than watching a TV show about being super manly. Also, he hates you and said stuff about your mom.

Finding: Shiro maguro is the new sake

I'm like a bear when it comes to sake (fresh salmon) nigiri. Put me upstream and I'll just stand there with my mouth open and a paw ready to stuff it in. Sake nigiri is what I always like to end a sushi session with, from the heady days of Sushi Club (Rule #1 of Sushi Club is you DO NOT talk about Sushi Club. Rule #2 is .. you get the idea) to my new venture, Sashimi Club (Motto: Rice is for Pussies). But I'm announcing there is a new sheriff in Fishtown, and its name is Shiro Maguro. Translates as white tuna but you might know it as albacore. Had it last night and it was like floating on a cloud of heavenly fish. A FISH CLOUD, PEOPLE. I think i might have left my body. Consider youself TROUNCED, salmon... just kidding salmon you know I still love you!!!

Crazy Sushi 3232 16th St, SF. Unbelievably fresh fish, service is like poo.

Finding: The hair doesn't always make the band

If bad hair equaled good music, Badfinger would have been the BEST BAND EVER. It is hard to say which of the four has the worst hair. Maybe it's pinecone head in front. But at least his is bad guy's hair. The three others have girl hair. There's the girl who ran for student council when you were in high school (and lost--big-time) on the left. The weird bus driver who washed her hair with beer to make it all scratchy and puffy on the right. And then your mom in the back. It's incredible that this band was able to produce some great music. But it's clear that after a while their hair started doin' the talkin' and that's when you get songs like "Desperado."

Finding: Funniest commercial on right now.

Maybe watching chubby Asians rap is always funny to me. Maybe it's the high-pitched way he says, "...Hi!" I'm not sure what it is, but this guy is killing me every time. The top comment for this other one is: "OMG! He was holding his dick."

Finding: Woodbridge is aight.

Right as I was buying this I thought, this is the slippery slope, isn't it? This is it, people. But you know what? Sometimes going cheap is OK. Woodbridge is not fancypants. It is not cool. But it doesn't taste like piss either. In fact, it's easy-drinkin'. I don't really need to drink expensive wine at home in front of the TV. Woodbridge is not sophisticated, but neither is my palate. Plus, it's 2X the tipsy for the money. And that's math you can take to the bank!

$9.99 for 1.5 liters at BevMo.

Finding: Cheers! doesn't have to be hard.

So you're out with 8 or 12 people for somebody's birthday or some similar occasion. Someone raises a glass to toast the birthday person, a lovely gesture that focuses the attention of the group and sets a festive mood. Then it goes bad. Somewhere along the line Raise, Toast, Clink, Drink has turned into this elaborate mess where everyone feels that they have to touch the glass of everyone else at the table. So what are we talking about here, 72 individual clinks? Sure, you can knock off 5 or 6 in the first cluster, but then the over-under, oh-did-I-get-you, reach across the apps extravaganza begins. And then you got the guy at the end of the table that feels the need to get up and walk over to the opposite end. Throw in the look-into-everyone's-eyes-as-you-drink thing and by the time you're done your beer is warm or the best third of your martini is dripping from your elbow. There must be a better way.

I propose this: Imagine the person who initiates the toast creates an electric charge. The words of the toast are converted into special toast electrons (t-). The alcohol filled glasses become t- superconductors. Any glass that touches the toaster's glass receives the full power of the toast. But here's where the magic begins. Because the glasses are perfect conductors of the toast, you don't have to actually touch the toaster's glass to receive all of the good feelings of the toast. You can touch a glass that's touching the toaster. Or you can touch the next glass in line. You could line up one hundred glasses, and the last glass would feel the feelings of the toast just as strongly as the first. Furthermore, the alcohol in the glass will will hold the t- charge for several seconds, so if by some chance you miss the circuit, one touch with someone who didn't insures full-toast good feelings. Once you have the concept down, it becomes fluid and simple: Cheers! Ka-Clink! Gulp, gulp gulp.

Research Proposal: Find the best Vietnamese sandwich in San Francisco

A bánh mì, also known as the Vietnamese sandwich, is one of the best sandwiches in the world. A soft baguette or roll is filled with veggies (pickled carrot, daikon, fresh cilantro, onion, jalapeno etc.) and your choice of meat, usually bbq chicken, pork, ham or paté. The result is a sandwich with almost supernatually balanced flavors and textures. It is also cheap as dirt.

But which Vietnamese sandwich is the best in San Francisco, where there are SO many good ones?

Method: Bánh mì gà (bbq chicken) will be used as the control sandwich. Any Finder may report an elimination between two sandwiches.

Criteria:
(1) Freshness of Non-Meat Fillings
(2) Baguette Quality
(3) Total Meat Enjoyment
(4) Bread to Filling Proportion
(5) Price
(6) Scrumpdilliumptiousness

Diagram 1A: Vietnamese Sandwich Shootout Elimination Grid
Click to zoom
I've identified 16 locations for the shootout. We'll first discover which is the best in its neighborhood, then pit those against eachother for an Eastside/Westside showdown. Finally the last two will battle for the ultimate title: The Best Bánh Mì in San Francisco. Keep watching for Findings on the subject.

Downtown/Union Square:
La Dolci 740 Market Street vs. Latte Express 5 600 Kearny
Latte Express 48 5th Street vs. New Saigon Restaurant 915 Kearny

Chinatown/North Beach
Little Paris 939 Stockton vs. Chic-n-Noodle-Do 708 Vallejo
Saigon Grill 2731 Taylor vs. Vietnam Restaurant 620 Broadway

Tenderloin:
Saigon Sandwich 560 Larkin vs. Wrap Delight 426 Larkin
Baguette Express 668 Larkin vs. Them Ky 717 Ellis

Sunset/Richmond
Le Cafe 2960 Clement vs. Irving Cafe & Deli 2146 Irving
Lam's Deli 1041 Taraval vs. Little Vietnam Cafe 309 6th Avenue

Finding: Gestalt bar actually less than the sum of its parts

Gestalt is a new bar in the Mission, on 16th between Valencia and Guerrero. It advertises Beer, Brats, and Bikes. That's like, say no more. I am there. But to make a long story short, we go check it out and they're kind of jerks to us.

Then I start getting Hot Neck, and we have to leave before Hot Neck tells me to do something I'll regret. For those of you unfamiliar with Hot Neck it's kind of like turning into the Hulk except without purple hot pants. Do yourself a favor and go to the original bike-friendly bar named after a German term. Zeitgeist ain't fancy, but at least they're not uptight. So there!

Finding: This world is full of too many choices

This is the drinks board at the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf in SF. Actually, this is just the warm drinks board. Actually this is just part of the warm drinks board. Because the list of options is so long that it does not fit on just one board. The options take up three boards over two walls. And that's not even including the food. Those options are labeled individually in the display counter. The good thing is that if you just want coffee you don't have to look at the boards. You can just order a coffee without making a choice. Not so fast! Because then it's: dark, medium or light roast? Room for cream? Do you want to donate a dollar to some charity that i can't tell you exactly what it is but it's, like, totally for a good cause? You cannot just get a cup of coffee and go. Nothing is that simple. Because this world is full of too many choices.

Finding: My office building is a shithole

Does your restroom frequently go out of order in exciting and unexpected ways? Does your ventilation system sound like the deck of an aircraft carrier? Does the morning security guy follow you up the elevator to promote his club nights? Does the afternoon guy sing little songs to himself while picking his nose and cradling a king size beer? Is your fire escape door broken, blocked by a ladder and then padlocked to said ladder to ensure your death by burning? Are your elevators nicknamed "Death Box 1" and "Death Box 2"? Do pigeons invade your restroom over the weekend, coating every surface with pigeon shit and feathers? No? Really? Well then, congratulations. Your office building is a palace compared to mine.