Finding: I want nothing to do with this.

Let it be known that I want nothing to do with having a flystrip on the back of my head that attracts deer flies. You couldn't stick it on your back, or a special stick or something? You want huge dying flies on your head? F that.

Deer Fly Defense Patch

Holiday Gift Guide: For the Post-Op Pet

I was telling, well, shouting to someone about this at a noisy bar last night, and even I couldn't believe the words coming out of my mouth.

"TESTICULAR IMPLANTS FOR PETS."

"WHAT?"

"TESTICULAR IMPLANTS. FOR PETS THAT HAVE BEEN NEUTERED."

Prices range from $79 for Neuticles Original($94 a pair, naturally) to $719 for Neuticles Ultraplus with ScarRetard. I would also like to point out that three firmness selections are available. Wouldn't you like one, just to play with on your desk while you're working? I think it would feel nice.

Neuticles. Testicular Implantation for Pets. "Neuticles allowing [sic] your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem and aids in the trauma associated with neutering." Ahem.

Holiday Gift Guide: For the Collector

Bag of Lint, culled by artisans from an authentic "Speed Queen" for over 8 months. Soft and supple, Bag of Lint makes a perfect gift for the collector, looking just fantastic alongside stacks and stacks of newspaper. You will never find lint so fine at a price so reasonable.*

Bag Of Lint, $12.75 (or barter)

*Garbage can not included. Bag of Lint not guaranteed to reverse aging. Bag of Lint is not fuel or food.

Holiday Gift Guide: For Your Large Friends

Perfect Bodies Duvet

Now your fat—sorry—large friends can really have perfect bodies in their dreams! Like, in their dreams, but also really. So, like, while they’re dreaming, they really will have the “perfect” bodies they dream about. So it’s like in their dreams? But real? At the same time? Whoa.

Perfect Bodies Duvet, $32.95

Holiday Gift Guide: For the Sasquatch

Introducing the Mangroomer, which claims to "opens to a staggering 135-degrees so you can reach all areas of your back from different angles with ease." Guys, I think you know what all this flexibility really means. No more embarrassing trips to the salon for your bi-monthly Boyzilian.

MANGROOMER Do-it-yourself Electric Back Hair Shaver, $39.99 at Amazon.

Holiday Gift Guide: For the Skank

Cold Sore Inhibitor

What’s great about this gift is that it’s a gift to both you and your skanky friend. He or she can nip those nasty cold sores in the bud (saving themselves the embarrassment and pain of social revulsion), and you don’t have to keep trying to pretend that you don’t notice anything icky in the general mouth area as they regale you with stories of their skankdom. It’s what you would call a “win-win” gift.

Cold Sore Inhibitor, $129.95-$159.95

Holiday Gift Guide: For the Homebody

Ladies, we know you like to fight off that winter chill in style. We also know you hate leaving the comforts of home just to go to stupid holiday parties. So this year, have it all with the Pantalaine Couch Dress. A true multitasker that's hard to ignore!

Custom Couch Dress, $349 at Pantalaine

Findings Holiday Gift Guide: For the Pet Lovers

For the Cat Lover: Hidden Litter Box

We’d have to agree with the makers of this ingenious contraption when they call it “The Greatest Gift.” What cat lover wouldn’t cherish the “Tuscany handfinish” or the charming look of a plastic plant in their home? Plus, nothing adds that homey feeling to a family room like the smell of cat shit. What a find!

Hidden Litter Box, $129.95




For the Dog Lover: Pet Memorial

Granted, the recipient of this thoughtful gift might cry upon opening it, but here’s what to do: Just gently pat them on the back and say, “It’s ok. You’ll thank me for it soon enough.”

Pet Memorial, $39-$55

Finding: Backwards riding chair encourages abnormal behavior

If you ever have a kid, you want it to grow up special and unique, like a snowflake. There is no better way to accomplish this than by buying this chair. The first step is learning how to sit in an unconventional way. This opens up all kinds of possibilities of things to do while straddling cheap upholstery, from (apparently) playing video games backwards, to praying to the Lord as part of a kool-aid cult that worships Hasselhoff as Our Savior. The next thing you know you're kid's a little "light in the loafers", as they say, and your corporeal work on this earth is done.

Lana Sky BC9 Accent Chair $129.99 at Target