Holiday Gift Guide: For the Post-Op Pet

I was telling, well, shouting to someone about this at a noisy bar last night, and even I couldn't believe the words coming out of my mouth.

"TESTICULAR IMPLANTS FOR PETS."

"WHAT?"

"TESTICULAR IMPLANTS. FOR PETS THAT HAVE BEEN NEUTERED."

Prices range from $79 for Neuticles Original($94 a pair, naturally) to $719 for Neuticles Ultraplus with ScarRetard. I would also like to point out that three firmness selections are available. Wouldn't you like one, just to play with on your desk while you're working? I think it would feel nice.

Neuticles. Testicular Implantation for Pets. "Neuticles allowing [sic] your pet to retain his natural look, self esteem and aids in the trauma associated with neutering." Ahem.

Finding: Dicktard is the new twatwaffle

The other week I though maybe twatwaffle would be the new douchebag. But then I reconsidered it, thinking, twatwaffle is pretty good, but douchebag? Douchebag is like the bitch mother of insults somehow. Douche. Bag. Reserved for the truly contemptuous. Point out a douchebag to someone and they KNOW. That's a fucking bag of douche, no question about it.

Today I came across this article in the Onion, which immediately interests me because it's about holiday shopping, which if nothing else seems to me like a critical mass of total douchebags. And I'm all about douchebags. All of a sudden, bam pow! DICKTARD. It's no douchebag -- yet. But I have high hopes for it.

Holiday Advertisers Seek Coveted Dicktard Demographic