Finding: You gots to be proud to be a spinna

Salsa Moves, Pilates Pulse, Far East Funk, you can step the fuck off. You is wack. 'Cause in this life, if you ain't spinnin', you ain't nothin'.

Finding: Golan the Mighty is the supreme Avatar of all musical thought and success

Check out GOLAN, master of Innerspiritlightcommand entities. You will undress for him and he will show you the Holy Musical Sexual Union.

He will also show you how to "gig".

He has a mighty Rod of power that contains liquid wisdom. He will liberate you from your harmful obsession with "money". No dudes though. Women only. Golan the Mighty is not interested in a sausage party.

He then claims to channel Tito Puente.

God, I love Craigslist.

Finding: Gruyère is Gru-yum

Have the grilled gruyère sandwich at 'wichcraft. Kind of like a Patty Melt without the patty, this is one of the few sandwiches we've had that is (1) delicious and (2) worth every penny. I forgot about gruyère. It's like swiss cheese without the foot smell.

Finding: Tea is key

After you eat a big greasy meal, it feels really good to wash it down with some hot tea. Not only does it do the Liquid Plumb'r thing on your food pipes but it helps settle your stomach and prepare for the next onslaught. Just remember: tea is key.

Finding: You will be amazing for how good it is!

IF you need new mattress for goonite sleep here's the SOLUTIONS!


I can't believe it. After all this time the secret to a goonite sleep has been revealed. All you need is a futon mattress made of 100% pick cotton, and voila! You could choice something can bring you best sleeping experance! Get your goonite sleep here.

Finding: U. F. Fucking O.

For reals. A U.F. Fucking O. over San Francisco!

Finding: I can really put it away

This is the carnage after I ate a huge bowl of chili and then went on to finish Danger J's, which he had almost not touched. As you can see I even ate parts of the (wheat bread mashed together to form) bread bowls. And then -- AND THEN! -- it appears that I licked the spoon to acquire extra calories. In fairness to my body, my stomach had been trying to send fullness signals to my brain, but they were stopped by a large amount of chili.

Shortly thereafter I went snowboarding, hurling my bloated, distended body down a hill at breakneck speed, with voluminous chili burps permeating my snow clothes every five seconds, and an all-day nausea. Danger J calls me "the Bottomless Pit," and while an unflattering term to be called by your boyfriend, it is true. I can really put it away.

Finding: Inter-species noursling is so hot right now

Seems like everywhere you look, some mammal is having a litter. And then into that litter, someone throws a foreign baby in, to mix things up a little. A single type of baby animal simply doesn't cut it anymore, in the fast-paced, highly competitive world of cuteness. It must be that mingling them teaches us to be more accepting of each other. Squirrel, dog, hippo, liger, let's break down these superficial barriers. And suckle on some teats like God intended!

Finding: Noursle

While searching the thesaurus for synonyms for "educate" I came upon this gem of a word: noursle. It may be used thusly, "When we found the kitten in the tool shed, we noursled it as one of our own." Have you said it out-loud yet? It is fun to say. Noursle.

Finding: Sometimes when life imitates art it's like, whoa

Did you think that it was possible for anyone to look this much like Miss Piggy? I didn't think so, either. The resemblance is positively striking! Unbelievable! Uncanny! Wait, is this a joke?

Finding: Eggs are nature's miracle food

You might have thought it was mother's milk or something, but you'd be wrong. Dead wrong. It's eggs. From the looks of it, if you have a serious hunger you'd better start getting your egg on. Because nothing hits the spot like 30 hard-boiled eggs. In a wire basket. It's the only proper way to satisfy your egg tooth.

We were so eggstatic to see this billboard at Kearny and Washington that we came back to witness its eggscellence again. To not do so would have been an eggregious mistake.

Finding: The Clown never lets you down

the Clown never lets you down
burgers fries cold coke
the Clown doesn't mess around

Clown Alley, 42 Columbus Avenue (at Gibb St & Ils Ln)

Finding: Moo & Oink is the greatest thing I have ever seen.

I just laughed so hard at the way he says, "MoooooOOO and OiiiiIIIIIInnnKKKK!" at the end that I fell off my chair at work.

Moo & Oink Dance - Classic Commercial

Finding: You know what's a really bad look?

An umbrella in each back pocket. We saw this on the street last night. They move to the rhythmic beat of your ass.

Finding: Cats look cute wearing damn near anything

In terms of cats wearing stuff, you think you've seen it all. But then - BAM! - cat wearing a hardhat. Can't you just picture Foreman Meow driving a mini bulldozer in his litterbox? Cute!!! Cats can wear practically anything and look adorable. Most of it has to do with how pissed they get. Unlike dogs, who appear to enjoy parading around in emasculating froufrou outfits, cats are having none of that. But that just makes you wanna hug 'em and squeeze ' em even more -- beew!

Finding: There's no place like the library on a rainy day

Rainy day, roaming the stacks, pull out a few good reads, some nice picture books. Settle down at a table or just sit in the middle of the stacks for a bit. Can you think of a more pleasant way to spend a rainy day?

(This excludes spending the day at the main branch of the San Francisco Public Library where you will be assaulted by a most unpleasant stink by every stack. And forget about the elevator. Holy Lord!)

Mechanics' Institute Library, 57 Post Street, $95 for a yearly membership

Finding: Big umbrellas do not belong on a city sidewalk

Yes, the umbrella pictured here is obviously some kind of joke. But I'll tell you what is no joking matter: Big-ass sports umbrellas used by a single person on a city sidewalk. Akin to the single person commuting solo in a fatty SUV, the bearer of the sports umbrella is obnoxious, offensive and in the way. Sports umbrellas are for sporting events! Like, say you're at a golf tournament and it starts raining. You pull out your gargantuan umbrella and up to 10 people (depending on individual girths) can take refuge from the rain under its mighty span. That's great. But your striped sports umbrella is most decidedly not for use in the city! I don't care if some tech company or bank gave it to you for free! Go get a normal-sized umbrella and pretend to be the sophisticated human being that you so obviously are not.

Finding: The Queen Mary 2 is hella big

Look at the size of this ship. It could run aground on Alcatraz and go, "island? what island?" And all the teeny tiny boats around it? Those are actually normal-size boats.

Fun facts:
• The QM2 is 1,132 feet long and 134.5 feet wide
• It got under the Golden Gate Bridge by just 30 feet
• There were 2,638 passengers aboard, 2,000 of which disembarked (What's up 638 people? You too good for us or something?)
• From the Chron: "I'm a commercial fisherman, and I've seen a lot of boats, and all I can say is this is huge," said Carl Westrate, 74, who lives in Lafayette.

We went to see it at Pier 27, and I can confirm Carl's finding. That ship is hella big.

Finding: I gots to get me some of this chicken!

I'm talking Korean-style fried chicken. Just read an article in the nytimes in which the preparation of this delicious-sounding chicken is described thusly:

"Korean-style fried chicken is radically different, reflecting an Asian frying technique that renders out the fat in the skin, transforming it into a thin, crackly and almost transparent crust."

Apparently what you get is something of a cult in Korea, "crunchy, spicy, perfectly nongreasy chicken." Served with hot-pepper sauces and plenty of beer. Now that's my kind of chicken!

Finding: Chocolate muffins ruin your appetite

File this under "Things a six-year-old would know that we, as grown women are still finding out the hard way." Some baked goods were left out in the kitchen a half hour before lunchtime. I don't know what it is about free food, but I am on it like a raccoon on shiny objects. Can noo resist it. Noo, Jenny. Add to that the sneaky pleasure of getting away with something bad. It is for the TAKING! The perfect crime! I even cut it in half, ate it, and went back for the other half. Hours later, I am still not hungry for lunch. And in this worker-bee neighborhood after 3 o'clock lunch becomes slim pickins. You're lucky if you can buy some Twizzlers and DP at Sammy's. So much for eating healthy.

Finding: Peanuts will never let you down

On one particularly illuminating evening at the Bow Bow, it was declared that the peanut is "the nut of the people." It is a common nut with no pretenses. It is cheap, sometimes even free. You can crack it open with your teeth, and throw the shells on the floor (and step on them for a most satisfying crunch). Open its charmingly textured casing and you are presented with not one but two tiny snacks. Oh, peanut, you are plebeian yet precious. A perfect treasure from Mother Nature's loins. Ever-reliable and rewarding. A mainstay and a marvel. Hats off to the peanut!

$1 for a brown bag of hot nuts at the Hemlock

Finding: The workday is several hours in length

Recently I came down with the flu, and was out of the office for nearly a week. When I returned I came to a startling discovery -- one which I must make public immediately. The duration of time that you are expected to sit at your desk is several hours. I know -- I couldn't believe it either. You cannot just leave when you are bored, or restless, or you need a nap, or a game of tennis, or your butt hurts from sitting, or god forbid -- you finished your work. You are supposed to just sit there for the entire day. Sure, you get paid. But when you look at the clock because you just can't take it anymore, and it's only 2:30 pm, a little part of you dies inside. Can you put a price on that?

Finding: Moles are cute but also strange

I'm not sure why I keep poking around this eco-gardening site, seeing as my backyard is a concrete hole covered in dog doo. But it must have to do with either their great products (see: deer fly head trap) or their pictures. Look at this poor thing. Smashed betwixt thumb and forefinger, this mole was probably moments before just digging around for something to eat. Is it his fault for having been born with huge, wide hands perfect for tunneling? Maybe he hates his job, but those are the cards he was dealt! I can totally relate to that. Totally. Also? He's kind of cute in a way but also kind of creepstervich, no?

Mole-Relief™ Dry Mole Repellent

Finding: The Queen is as satisfying as a stale crumpet

Ever wish you could be a fly on the wall at Tony Blair's breakfast table? Just dying to know what the Queen and her mother might talk about on a stroll through their garden? Your dreams have come true.

The critics would have you believe that this painfully predictable piece of rubbish is "witty" (it is not), "poignant" (what movie isn't, according to them?), and i'm sure at least one has called it a "tour de force." They are wrong. See the movie and you will begin to wonder just whom Tony Blair had to sleep with to get this poorly disguised propaganda film produced. It is as interesting as watching your grandmother working on a needlepoint portrait of a cucumber sandwich.

Finding: I want nothing to do with this.

Let it be known that I want nothing to do with having a flystrip on the back of my head that attracts deer flies. You couldn't stick it on your back, or a special stick or something? You want huge dying flies on your head? F that.

Deer Fly Defense Patch